Break-Up Rules
Had I just let what was over actually be over six weeks ago, I could have already emerged from this effing break-up and be dancing, all sweaty, with guys with six pack abs. But instead, I tortured myself refusing to believe that the totally amazing man I am so in love with could not feel the same about me. How can he not see what is possible in our relationship? Why isn't he psyched to live that possibility? My brain cannot understand this.
I mean, it's me! I am positive. I have style. I am dance floors and dance offs and champagne dance parties around the world. Plus, I'm passionate. I give amazing gifts. Despite my constant need to lose five pounds, I am genetically blessed in that I will never be overweight. Most of the time, I am funny. Always, I am imaginative. I am a great cook. I am mind-blowing in bed.
"Do you think I won't be a good mother?" I asked him.
"What?! No, I think you'll be a great mother," he replied.
While I've had many break ups, I've never broken up with someone when I was still in love with and fully committed to that person. During my previous break-ups, the relationship. was. over. We tried, we learned, and ultimately, we separated feeling aligned on our decision. Post break-up, I followed a strict set of rules that allowed for maximum healing. Break-up processes, while sad, were clean cut. As a result, I was able to stay friendly with my exes. Not this time.
This time, I did not follow said rules and created a state of misery, which I do not wish on anyone. We stayed so friendly that many days it didn't even feel like we actually broke up. It was sticky, horrible mess that began and ended with me talking incessantly. (Shocking.) Self-defeat piled on self-defeat. Repeat yielded insanity. I said a million concepts and argued a million things. Eventually, he was tired of hearing me talk. I felt like a crazy, shit-covered parrot. And I hate birds.
Going forward (should I have to do this yet another time around, God help me), I will not stray from my expertise. No way.
BREAK-UP RULES:
#1 Rip off the band-aid. It only gets harder later. Get your shit. Unfriend on Facebook. Burn the love notes. Someday you will have someone who loves you so much, you won't need to look back at that.
#2 Talk less. You are awesome. Someone will see that without you having to lay it out for them in a million different words and phrases.
#3 Celebrate your corner. There are people on your team. That's what friends are actually there for. Use them.
#4 Celebrate your relationship. Yes, celebrate. I walked in on one boyfriend in bed with someone; so I realize that celebrating mid-heartache is hard. But do you want take away the negative or the positive? Take the positive! Take it and run.
#5 Ex sex is emotional suicide. "You are going to feel so much worse," said my friend before I declared I intended to have sex with my ex. "I'll be here for you tomorrow because doing it is the only way your stubborn ass will learn. But let the record show, you are an idiot." I was. I felt much worse followed by pissed that I shared my rockin' bod with him. Buy The Rabbit. Fuck a stranger. Watch porn. Do not have sex with your ex.
#6 Be here, be now. And be kind to yourself. I couldn't go out the first five weeks post break-up. I was mean to every guy who hit on me. Couples on dates depressed me. So I stayed home and wrote a thousand pages about our relationship. (Book sequel?) Then one night, I pulled out my tallest heals and tightest skirt. It was like I never left.
#7 Work out. Whether you are ready to go out yet or not, YOU ARE ON THE MARKET. No one feels sexy sitting around eating bon bons. Plus, endorphins make you happy. Move.
Emma Dinzebach
I mean, it's me! I am positive. I have style. I am dance floors and dance offs and champagne dance parties around the world. Plus, I'm passionate. I give amazing gifts. Despite my constant need to lose five pounds, I am genetically blessed in that I will never be overweight. Most of the time, I am funny. Always, I am imaginative. I am a great cook. I am mind-blowing in bed.
"Do you think I won't be a good mother?" I asked him.
"What?! No, I think you'll be a great mother," he replied.
While I've had many break ups, I've never broken up with someone when I was still in love with and fully committed to that person. During my previous break-ups, the relationship. was. over. We tried, we learned, and ultimately, we separated feeling aligned on our decision. Post break-up, I followed a strict set of rules that allowed for maximum healing. Break-up processes, while sad, were clean cut. As a result, I was able to stay friendly with my exes. Not this time.
This time, I did not follow said rules and created a state of misery, which I do not wish on anyone. We stayed so friendly that many days it didn't even feel like we actually broke up. It was sticky, horrible mess that began and ended with me talking incessantly. (Shocking.) Self-defeat piled on self-defeat. Repeat yielded insanity. I said a million concepts and argued a million things. Eventually, he was tired of hearing me talk. I felt like a crazy, shit-covered parrot. And I hate birds.
Going forward (should I have to do this yet another time around, God help me), I will not stray from my expertise. No way.
BREAK-UP RULES:
#1 Rip off the band-aid. It only gets harder later. Get your shit. Unfriend on Facebook. Burn the love notes. Someday you will have someone who loves you so much, you won't need to look back at that.
#2 Talk less. You are awesome. Someone will see that without you having to lay it out for them in a million different words and phrases.
#3 Celebrate your corner. There are people on your team. That's what friends are actually there for. Use them.
#4 Celebrate your relationship. Yes, celebrate. I walked in on one boyfriend in bed with someone; so I realize that celebrating mid-heartache is hard. But do you want take away the negative or the positive? Take the positive! Take it and run.
#5 Ex sex is emotional suicide. "You are going to feel so much worse," said my friend before I declared I intended to have sex with my ex. "I'll be here for you tomorrow because doing it is the only way your stubborn ass will learn. But let the record show, you are an idiot." I was. I felt much worse followed by pissed that I shared my rockin' bod with him. Buy The Rabbit. Fuck a stranger. Watch porn. Do not have sex with your ex.
#6 Be here, be now. And be kind to yourself. I couldn't go out the first five weeks post break-up. I was mean to every guy who hit on me. Couples on dates depressed me. So I stayed home and wrote a thousand pages about our relationship. (Book sequel?) Then one night, I pulled out my tallest heals and tightest skirt. It was like I never left.
#7 Work out. Whether you are ready to go out yet or not, YOU ARE ON THE MARKET. No one feels sexy sitting around eating bon bons. Plus, endorphins make you happy. Move.
Emma Dinzebach
Posted by Emma Dinzebach at 10/10/2011 5:22 PM 
Categories: Relationships
Tags: Emma Dinzebach Emma Dilemma break-up rules break up rules rip off the band aid ex sex be here be now
Categories: Relationships
Tags: Emma Dinzebach Emma Dilemma break-up rules break up rules rip off the band aid ex sex be here be now
This post is absolutely amazing and you could not have hit the nail on the head any harder.
I'm approaching the 1 year mark of what was a miserable break up for me. There was a lot of couch time, a lot of hours watching The Notebook, a lot of crying, and sadly a lot of "but I don't understand... if you say I'm the best thing that ever happened to you, why are you not with me??"
Now that I know this man is still dating the woman he SWORE had NOTHING to do with our break up, we'll call 12/12/11 "The Day I Dodged a Bullet."
Thanks for this post!
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this should be complusory reading for everyone in a relationship
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