Dear Brian Moylan at Gawker AKA @BrianJMoylan:

First of all, I kind of love you. If I weren't sort of confused about your sexual orientation, I would lick your body. I might even lick it anyway because for years, I have been listing the annoying, unacceptable, assanine and asshole moves of guys I date and never thought to make them category specific, until today. The Nine Types of Text Messaging Monsters has reminded me that listing, while not acceptable behavior on dates, is a wonderful medium to gripe. For you, my dating specific offshoot:

The Nine Types of Text Messaging Monsters: Dating Edition

1. The emoticon user. Vomit just crept into my mouth at the very thought of it. NOTHING makes a man less attractive - not even braces - than a guy who writes "So we'll meet at 8 :-)"  No we won't meet at eight. We will meet never. And thankyouverymuch for ruining something that could have flourished into a torrid love affair. No smileys, sad faces, or that one with the zero in it. What is that supposed to be, a nose? The one with a letter "P" at the end. Are you sticking your tongue out at me? Um, gross. Gross. I was unsure if I wanted to date you in the first place and you attempt to convince me by sticking your slimey tongue out at me via text. Next.

2. The coward. A sadder version of the "never call," the coward might now have replaced texting with phone conversations in his life, but he has in regards to dating. If you were somehow lucky enough to attain my phone number, don't even think about texting me. TEXTING me? Srsly? Because I really want to go on a date with someone who can't even have a five minute phone conversation. I don't. I won't. Grow some balls. Pick up the phone.

3. One word wonder. Or is he just slow? So I was trying to organize a meeting time with a dude I dated a few times. My schedule is packed. See also: busy. I wrote: "How is 8?" He wrote: "Sure." SURE? Really? I could be spending this evening with my friends who I never see or my friend with benefits who I know I can at least have sex with at the end of the night. But I'm choosing to spend my valuable time with you, so do not reply to my texts with "sure" or "fine" or "ok" or "yes" or "good" or any of their one-word antonyms. It's rude. You're an asshole.

4. The premature sexter. We went on two dates. Don't tell me you wish you were "laying next to [my] naked body" because that makes me want to slit my eyeball open.

5. The non-responder. First and foremost, if someone you are interested in is not reponding to your text messages, then you should not go out with them. End. But, there are a camp who believe in taking an abnormally long time to respond so they can pretend they are busy. Listen buddy, I guarantee my father is busier than you and texts much more slowly, yet he manages to text me back in a timely fashion on the daily. Of course, timing should be considered. I often cannot check my phone for several hours, but as soon as I can, I respond to everyone immediately. That is, if I have any text messages. Some days I'm less popular.

6. The overtexter. I feel a little bad for this guy because he obviously likes you but hasn't grasped the idea that less is more. Midday he texts "How is your day going?" End of day he writes "Headed to bed now. Sweet dreams." After dinner he writes "What did you have for dinner? I hope it was yummy!" Srsly? Act like you have something to do all day besides think of me. Sure at a point when you have both reached the phase where you must stay in constant communication and the overtexts are reciprocated, it's different. But until then, get out my grill.

7. Exclamation marks. Excessive exclamation marks (and really any in my opinion) are unnecessary and annoying. They tell me that you need to widen your emotional vocabulary. I get it. You're excited. I might even be excited too, but use your brain for five minutes and think of a different way to express yourself.

8. Bored texter. Just because you were bored or sad or lonely sitting around scrolling through your phone doesn't mean you need to text me. We went on two dates like six months ago. Twas not a match made. Read a book.

9. Lonely texter. We aren't dating, so if you feel lonely, rather than sitting around texting your ex-girlfriend (eh hem, moi) maybe take an hour to do some self-discovery. Write in a journal. Think about the reasons you are alone. Maybe it's because you talk about yourself and your deals all the time. Maybe it's because you're a neurotic freak. Maybe it's your temper, your t-shirt tan line, your hairy back or your Tevas. It's something; and you aren't going to figure it out by texting your ex "Just thinking about you." Get a life.

So I hope these help...in regards to dating. And I take back the licking offer. I just got really grossed out by the opposite sex.

Love always,
Emma

Emma Dinzebach