“Then he asked if we could still be friendly. So I think we are set to have a drink either before he leaves for his business trip or when he gets back,” explained my friend on the phone last night. She just pseudo broke up with her pseudo boyfriend of a few months. The past few days she has been sad over the "break up," but mainly because she is sick of tedious break-up talks. Another round of break-up talks means she soon has to re-emerge on the big bad city dating market...but not before the awkward post-break up follow-up talk.

Because they had so many mutual friends, a conversation was in order.I’ve had these conversations on numerous occasions, usually for the guy’s benefit as I normally could care less if I see you with your new girlfriend. If I were meant to be your girlfriend, I would be. Some people, my aforementioned friend included, think that because they have mutual friends they have to be friends. Plans to meet for drinks and friendly back-and-forth emails ensue.

So this is the thing, if these are empty promises intended to lighten the break-up blow, then fine. But if you actually intend to play along,to have drinks and ignore the fact that last time you did this you went home and romped, then you have entirely too much time on your hands and are borderline self-destructive. Remember how you wanted to tone your arms, read Man In Full, organize the shoes in your oven, learn to use your oven, go to yoga, catch up with your college bio lab partner? Well you are not going to accomplish any of those things going to have drinks with someone who doesn’t want to be your boyfriend.

Let me repeat that: You accomplish nothing, nada, zilch spending time with someone who doesn’t want to be with you and vice versa. For all of the dating mistakes I make, I don’t do the “let’s be friends” thing unless there was a solid friendly foundation before said “relationship.” I, like you, have plenty of friends thankyouverymuch. Friends enrich our souls,make us laugh, push us to grow and mine bring pints frozen yogurt rather than ice cream because they know that when I feel better, I won’t want to be fat. Until you say “I Do,” friends are more important than dudes you date. And even after “I Do,” you are the most important priority in your life and making sure that you are growing to your personal potential comes before all the rest. Having drinks with some lame ex whatever-he-was is counterproductive to this growth.

By all means, be friendly, but kindly decline set plans. “Oh I would love to but I can’t Tuesday, I have plans.” Because you do have plans…with your yoga mat. You are strong enough to make choices that fuel your fire and allow you to burn brightly. You are smart enough to start making those choices now.

Originally posted for Daily Vogue on April 11, 2010 at http://thevoguecity.com/nothing-else-to-say

Emma Dinzebach